I always laugh when I hear people pine away for "I wish I was 21 again", or similar comments. Never in a million years, even if time-travel were possible, and Sean Connery or George Clooney wanted to marry me and Merle Haggard were to sign me a record deal, and I knew the inner secrets of IBM would I do it. Never. No way. (although it is a LOT of fun to daydream about..when I have time. But then I fall asleep and miss out on all the details)
I am not exactly where I want to be, financially, locationally, or professionally. I am not at the size of jeans that make me feel best. I don't think I will ever get the foot size back I was and I still keep my favorite cowboy boots around even though they don't fit because my feet grew a size with every pregnancy and now I have feet that fit a woman 6'3".
I am still in school to pursue that degree that says, "yes you are smart enough to make $30 an hour". I am not living in the place I want, which is my own house, a little land, and has weather that my heat-intolerant body can handle.
BUT, I am happy where my mind is. I know myself. I know what I can and can't do. I get clothes from the second-hand stores, buy groceries at the Discount places, and glean the fields of their left-over bounty as time permits. I can knit a sock in the same amount of time that I can help stack 1000 haybales. I can make a computer and a kid behave, make grouchy Surgeons laugh, stand up to bullies, and show compassion for those less fortunate.
I am happy where my heart is. I am content that my kids are healthy, smart, and strong. I know my Mom job is a success- so far.
I am happy with my relationships. There aren't enough words on the planet to describe the people that make my life what it is. Family can put me somewhere between tickets to Happy Acres and Prison, Friends keep me close to 'Beaches' and 'Steel Magnolias'.
Boyfriends. Lovers. Well, there is a 'spot' that needs improvement. We all have a 'spot'... Just about the time I get the urge to find a boyfriend, and meet one or two 'potentials', it seems that the ungodly amount of effort involved is so exhausting, I chastize myself for even thinking that it was a good idea. Run, Marilyn! Run!" is all I hear in my mind. But I keep trying. Even at 44, there is someone out there that doesn't expect me to look and act 22. He has hope that I have a cushion of life experiences to handle the highs and lows that always manage to show up now and then. A sense of humor that ranges from Rodney Carrington to Johnny Carson. That doesn't need a nurse, a mommy, a housekeeper, or a bank account in his significant other. That doesn't mind a little 'fluffy' around the middle, and respects efforts to keep improving such.
And so, yet another year rolls by, and I keep creating because I have that in me. There's a reason for it, and I will follow my heart and intuition through. I keep hoping I find that sweet spot in life where there is Balance.
p.s.
Once, a few years ago, I visited my "New Age" Aunt. She had a friend there that was what I called a "reader", and after 'reading' my cousin and her friends, she turned to me, closed her eyes and said almost immediately, "You have a very old soul". She proceeded to tell me my "symbol" was a Double Spider, and other interesting bits of information I have since forgotten. I didn't understand the "old soul" part for quite a while until I was discussing it with a friend who knows that sort of thing, a "Sage" if you will. She looked at me- no wait- she stood straight up as tall as her slender, barely-5-foot-tall body could, shot me a fierce, brown-eyed look and said, "You haven't learned. That is why you keep coming back."
Looks Like I might be back. I need to learn. 44, here we go.
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