Big Brother

My new weight loss-o-meter is a precarious little "app" (short for application- a computer term) called 'Noom'.

Noom lives on my Android. I refer to it as 'him' because it's a little green dude with blue pants that are too big.

(This really isn't an ad for Noom. I just need to tell you how crazy this has become- it's funny, just keep reading)

I have to tell him everything I eat, and all my exercise. And I have to tell him how much I weigh every week. (Thursdays, generally.) I've been Noom's best friend for just a few weeks. I've lost almost 5 pounds so far. (with an Oprah Radio Flyer load to go.)

Noom can be annoying, because there is no such thing as "dump run from hell" or "chasing loose goats" on the exercise list.( I think we should have a country version of Noom. We'd call it "Vern". Vern would have everything from  'crawling under the trailer to find the source of that smell' to 'hangover trips to the bathroom'.)

I really can't remember when I made 'the crossing', but if I don't look at Noom every 5.24 minutes, I start to gain weight. I tell it everything. Every move I make. Every little crumb of food that enters my pie hole. My phone gets more than three feet away from me and I start to bloat. I just know it can hear me- it buzzes when I open the fridge.

It's like having an annoying little  brother that you can't get rid of because he caught you reading your dad's Playboy magazines and he will rat you out unless you do EVERYTHING he says for the rest of your life.

When I go on my walks at the track with my friends, Noom only tracks MY steps. (GPS- cool, yet scary.)  He even knows how crooked I walk. I keep looking up and wondering if he is tracking my menstrual cycles and fart patterns. Maybe I'm typing this under his control.. MAYBE that's where those crazy dreams come in where I'm rich and pretty and Noom is really my cabana boy putting 'mainstreamer' pills in my Umbrella drinks..

Nope. It's still me. No zombie here. I still have a Statistics final next week. Damn. Where's the cool movie plot that kicks in about now? sigh..back to the homework.

Oh hell- I better check Noom/Vern too. He might get jealous of the blog...